Today – I cut off another potential chance at a relationship with a nice person. We had a lot in common, conversation came easy, but this first hangout set it in with me that it is not what I want. I’ve met a few nice people since we called it quits but no one ever feels quite right.
No one makes me nervous, no one rocks my solid center to the core. No one makes my hands clammy, or gets me stuck in my head, over-thinking and over-analyzing everything like you made me. No one challenged me to evolve, grow – to change my look on relationships and what makes me thrive in pure happiness. No one else that I’ve met makes me want to go out on a ledge and then jump.
It was brief, to say the least. It’s coming up on one year since we met and I have never had someone knock me back quite like that. You did absolutely nothing, barely even spoke, but I felt it. I started to realize how alone I was in that as time pushed on. You entertained the thought for a bit, said it was “such an ego boost that a girl like me liked a guy like you.” You kept me hanging a lot longer than a person with less interest should but.. we started to build something.
You allowed me to start building something anyway.
You made me feel safe, that I wasn’t alone in this new feeling, this bliss. Made me feel that I was perfect – not flawless but perfect just as I was. We used to lay there, sharing stories, videos and pictures of pieces of our pasts; lost loves/souls once connected, both romantic & platonic. You used to trace the lines of my tattoos while shuddering when I did the same, since you regret your only one with a passion. But I loved it.
I loved every piece of you.. Love.
I knew so early that my heart was bursting at the seams and it was almost embarrassing how smitten I had become. I have always looked at life from a pessimistic view; a “don’t get too wrapped up in this, all good things must end” outlook but with you, I threw it all away and started fresh. Not even really by choice but it felt instinctual – it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I wanted to know you and I wanted you to know me too, all of me. I think about how perfect it felt being around you, how we meshed, how our bodies came together. I felt that leaving all the complications unspoken, getting lost it it and riding the wave of bliss was safe, considering I thought that our chemistry was pretty conspicuous.
You asked me to come over to talk. I was so in the dark that I really saw it as a 50/50 split between us becoming official or you ending it. The entire drive to you, I felt as if my stomach had solidified & gravity was pulling it through my body, knowing this conversation was going to change my life; either way. You told me that you weren’t ready, that we had moved too fast. You said that I am perfect for you but it just isn’t right, that it didn’t fit at this moment in time. You said everything else was perfect but this was bad timing. But see, I can’t understand how you feel because for me, time stopped when I laid eyes on you. I understand now that if the passion had been mutual, it wouldn’t have been too fast. The timing wouldn’t have been “bad.”
You confused me with your conflicting actions and words and that’s the only resentment I still harbor. Letting me go on believing that it was great, making me feel special, holding me through the night and waking me up with a back massage and kisses but telling me in the end that it wasn’t what you expected these feelings to feel like, that you didn’t feel the same fire that I did at just the very thought of you.
Now when I see you, I can only feel the wall that I’ve been forced to build and I know you can too, I see it on your face every time. You only hurt because you hurt me, not because you lost me. But now I feel like I have to protect myself from what I know you’re capable of; I have to protect my heart. No matter what you say or do, it will always be there. It will never be the same, for you it looks like a switch that was simply turned off. It’s not possible for me to go back to being just friends because for me, such a place never existed. It never bloomed into attraction for, it was there from the start.
You entered my heart with the first hello. The first and fatal blast.