I can’t do this again

I meant it when I said I was moving on, I think that’s why it still hurts so much. It hurts because I feel myself letting go of everything I’ve ever wanted.

It’s getting easier but what I can’t let go of is knowing that it’s right; that we’re right. That we fit & that it just comes easy for us.

It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t think that you saw it too, that you just fight it. I feel like I can see it on your face and feel it when you’re around me. I see it every time someone else tells me how amazing or funny I am or asks why I’m still single in front of you. It kills me because all I want to say is “I’m not quite sure. Ask him.”

I’m fine until someone brings you up. I’m happy until someone forces that beautiful and brief piece of history into my mind. The minute someone in our lives reminds me how “perfect” they think we’d be, it all comes back. I know that they have said these things to you many times, too so I’ve asked them all to stop. As much as I know that I hate hearing it, I can imagine you do too. I hate it when people tell me that I’m “one of a kind” or that “they don’t make women like me anymore” because while their opinions are sweet and flatter me, they aren’t the opinions of the one person I wish they came from. All I can think of is how I wish it were you.

If I thought that being around you only brought me pain, I would avoid you but I love having you in my life too much to back out completely. I asked for this by putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable, now I am dealing with the consequences. I know I’m strong enough to handle this, so why do I still get so weak?

Getting over someone isn’t the hard part, I’ve accomplished this in the past, no matter how hard it was at the time. I will never say that I need someone to survive. It’s getting over everything you know that they would bring to your life and what you could bring to theirs, everything you dreamed of, everything you saw in the future. You showed me things that I didn’t even know I was missing in my life. A passion, a craving, a feeling I’ve never experienced before. You’re just different. Everything about you is different and I can’t shake you. I still can’t shake you all the while knowing that I don’t mean the same.

A year ago, I didn’t even know who you were. I want to say that I miss that feeling. It’s coming up on the day when I walked in and saw you for the first time. Little did I know that it was all over from there. It’s sad that I still remember this day to the exact date.

I know I could say this all to your face if I wanted to. I had the opportunity when you told me you wanted to talk about it. But I’m the one who told you no. I had given you so many chances in the past, more than you deserved. You left me hanging for so long without a word – waited so long to want to talk about it, I couldn’t give up the progress I had made to let you in once again. Knowing that nothing I said could change you or the way you felt, knowing that you had so many things to get off your chest and knowing that as much as I wanted to know what they were, I couldn’t let myself do it again. I know that none of it is what I want to hear and maybe that makes me willfully ignorant but I’ve had to build my defense mechanism. If it were there for you, you wouldn’t be able to brush it off. It wouldn’t be so easy for you. So I choose to vent via a way that I am sure you will never see. I feel like I can be honest without the fear of being crushed again.

How could you possibly feel the way I hope you feel when you watch other people show interest in me and express it right in front of your face and you do nothing about it – show nothing – not even a flicker on your face. If you cared as much as I did, if you had this same fire inside of you, you wouldn’t be able to stand it. You would be exploding, just as I am, just as I still do. I know that now. The worst part of this is knowing that I have to contain it and tuck it away to a deep, dark place.

That’s why I’m letting go.

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