Here I Stand (but also kneel and sometimes sit) – 3 Years Later

I fell off the blog train when I was all out of misery to whine about. Almost everything I wrote here was about my first real, horrible heartbreak and as much as I hate the say it – fast-forward 5 years from the beginning of us and a lot of thing still revolve around him. There were ups & downs with him even after the cataloged shit show, that’s for sure.

After I stopped venting through this blog, we ended up getting back together and officially gave it a go – the real college try. It lasted a few great years and well.. here I am.. so you guessed it.

Instead of devoting my brainpower and use of words to my woes, I am going to focus my energy in other ways, on other things. I feel the progress I have made in these last few months on my own and I am proud of where I am. I started playing rugby (which I LOVE) & working out again, and I will be moving into *my very own* apartment for the first time ever (first time without a roommate &/or boyfriend) – just my cat, Obi & I. For the first time in a long time, I not only feel ready for my next move(s,) but I am eagerly awaiting for time to hurry up, just to here in the near future, for these big things I’ve been planning.

There’s a few new quirks and wrenches in the mix that weren’t present 3 years ago but.. such is life. I just never thought I would have some of the issues I do currently. I always thought I was the type of person, that I would remain the type of person, who would never get involved with stuff like this.

If I’ve learned one thing in my puny amount of life experience (almost a quarter of a century) – you can never say never.

And at this point in time, just like I have since admitting to myself the problem and the subsequent struggle with this addiction, I find myself starting strong with great intentions – remembering how stressful it is to be broke – letting my goals and drive push me. But just as quickly, I find myself buckling and giving in – heading to the ATM after doing math with the money I have, trying to account for gas until payday; then withdrawing the last of my dollars that should have been saved or used to dwindle down my debt. I enjoy (too much) indulging in a long night of feel goods, pulling an all-nighter and beginning this new day as a continuance of the last. I do this now maybe once a week – and hating myself for it the whole time, knowing how I’m going to feel. I am at the tail end of this mistake as I type these words but how do I feel right now? As my whole body has a subtle but electrifying tingle, as the drip lines my throat with a beautiful numb, and my brain so awake and alert that I feel as though I can conquer this day and then some? I feel great right now.

But this is short-lived and I know it. Hours from now I will be craving more – ready to go one of a few friends who will loan some to me as I am waiting for the next payday. I hate the feeling and how it makes me look but in the moment of craving, I just don’t care. I will be exhausted, coming down from my throne with an allergy season-like runny but also terribly stuffy and inflamed nose. Good thing about the downhill tumble is that I’m used to it now afters years of use, I have mastered it at this point from experience. I am constantly justifying it, not beating myself up about it, because I did something good or worked really hard that day and deserve to feel great, escape, come home, and be productive with laundry and/or organizing something. There have been paychecks where I have blown around $200 (sometimes more, sometimes less) in a night or two – that being an average – sometimes even more if I was particularly irresponsible.

I am constantly acknowledging this issue to myself – very aware I have a problem – but find myself breaking anyway. Through putting thought to keyboard, I am hoping to get whatever I need to out, maybe whatever is helping to keep me weak to this addiction.

I know it is counterproductive to my goals and what I am trying to accomplish & most importantly, I know that I am solely responsible for myself and my actions – and my dreams and goals.

To think how much cash I would have if every time I have used over these past few years, I put that money in savings instead. It actually almost makes nauseous to focus on. I’m hoping to get to the point where I can channel my addictive personality into healthier, more productive, uses of my time. I have always been aware of this part of who I am – with anything and everything – which is partly why I always said I wouldn’t do drugs. Now I understand more than ever when people say addiction is a disease. It was and is a choice I make – I did this and continue to do this to myself – but pulling yourself out is a fight I could never imagine.




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