Time to make myself happy.

My mantra has always been that if you’re unhappy, you are the one responsible for changing it. You can’t rely on others for happiness.

But I’ve recently realized that I’ve lost the willpower to do this for myself. Even the littlest things like putting away my laundry or taking a walk, two things that I know have always made me feel fantastic, I end up putting off. I usually end up on the couch after work, asleep before I even really start watching whatever show/movie I’ve started.

That’s the fairly large kicker here; I am always tired with little to no motivation. I need to start taking steps to boost my energy levels, physically & mentally. I know I am capable because I’ve set my mind to something before – a slightly different goal. At 20 years old, I wanted to lose weight & ended up shedding +80 lbs. This not only did wonders for my self-esteem but it also made me realize that if I truly wanted something bad enough, I was capable of putting in the hard work to achieve it.

The only one standing in my way was me. 

In the sake of all honesty, my weight loss brought me to a place where I was proud of what I had accomplished, but I also knew that I hadn’t exactly achieved my body in the healthiest of ways. In the height of my gym days, I was there twice a day – morning and night (with a 12-14 waitressing shift in-between, 6 days a week.) More self-conscious than ever, I was rarely eating anything; so of course the pounds melted off when I was burning 4x the calories I was taking in everyday. I dwindled down to a weak & bony figure – looking very sickly. Even though my family and close friends started to express their concerns, I only saw problem areas that could use improvement.

It took a while to get off this train but I stopped obsessing at the gym, put 10-15 lbs. back on, and started eating healthy. Every time I look in the mirror now, I wink at myself – I know I am beautiful. Maybe I didn’t need to lose a bunch of weight to ever feel that way about myself but my journey makes me appreciate myself that much more.

 

Advertisements

21 Women On “What I Was Doing When I Was Called A Slut”

Wow.. What an exceptional post. Just like many other insults, a lot of people could care less what the meaning actually entails.

Thought Catalog

In my experience, the people who call people sluts in an attempt to insult them aren’t even aware of the actual “truth” in their insult. They’re just saying a woman could, possibly have slept around. And that’s bad. I wanted to know what elicited this kind of insult from people so I asked Thought Catalog readers to tell me what they were doing when they were called a slut. Here are the (heartbreaking) responses.

Stephanie, 25

In the 8th grade, a girl called me a slut because she said I stuck out my boobs all the time in class and made flat-chested girls like her feel insecure. In reality, I was just trying to have better posture/sit up straighter to look skinnier because I was insecure around thin girls like her. COOL.

Sarah, 28

I walked down the street in a hot pink turtleneck dress. I was also simultaneously called…

View original post 3,766 more words

Why it’s okay to be selfish.

I will be 22 in 2 days shy of a months time and I already feel like I’m 40 years old, minus a family and the white picket fence that is all supposed to come with the “American Dream.”

I am finishing up my BA and my graduation date is visible but not quite within my grasp. I have served at bars and restaurants through my first 3 years of college while still living at home and I dreamed of nothing but the independence of living out on my own. I even ended my long-term relationship because I wanted to be free.

Free to live. Free to fail and make mistakes. Freedom is what I craved in all aspects of the word.

Freedom is what I got.

Not even the smallest part of me regrets any of these decisions. I have a beautiful home with a great friend, the greatest friend I’ve ever known. I work one full-time job and two-part time jobs; all while attending college online full-time. I’m used to people looking at me like I’m insane when they ask me what I do for a living but the truth is, I love it. I love being so busy that I barely have time for anything or anyone, for that matter.

I love being able to be selfish.

That may sound awful, but I have spent the majority of my life looking out for everyone else first; helping everyone else first, even at the expense of my own wants/needs. I’ve wasted time in relationships/friendships that were either toxic or that I just grew out of. I kept them around for the security and out of fear of the unknown. But now that I am experiencing life as a free, single woman and I don’t even want to entertain the idea of a relationship. For the sake of complete honesty, this is partly because of this & partly because of an unexpected whirlwind that swept me up & threw me down.. Hard. (You had me at hello.As someone who has spent the better part of her adolescent in a few long-term relationships (some a bit more mature than others,) I had never really entertained the idea of purposely staying single until I realized the numerous possibilities of being a single woman; living and providing for herself – answering to no one else – striving every day for personal happiness and the feeling satisfaction in setting and accomplishing her own goals. The idea of moving out on my own for the very first time with my last serious partner, eventually getting married and settling down without getting the chance to actually live absolutely terrified me.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t listen to my head and my gut.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with thinking of yourself. Everyone should have the beautiful experience of crossing a threshold in their lives where they figure themselves out (multiple times!!) and learn who they really are – then keep learning as you grow and change. This requires alone time. A lesson I am still learning. I see myself as a mother one day, calming down my fast-paced “day-to-day” and focusing my energy on the dreams of my children. My hopes & dreams will be centered around watching them achieve their hopes & dreams but right now, I want to focus on my own goals, my own dreams, even if I haven’t completely discovered them yet. I can’t help guide or lead anyone if I haven’t taken the opportunity to explore, grow, and make my own mistakes.

I don’t want to wake up one day wishing that I lived my life.

I’m good without God.

I have been pessimistic towards a relationship with God for as long as I can remember. I remember not wanting to say The Pledge of Allegiance in 5th grade because it felt like a prayer. I have memories of praying at dinner as a child with my grandparents & feeling uncomfortable from how forced into it I felt simply by being there. Christianity is a large part of my family and their lives, both sides, but I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force myself to believe. My parents always raised my younger sister and I to be critical thinkers, to challenge what we are told and to observe the world and question what is around us. I knew very young when I looked up at the large portrait of Jesus hanging in my room that I didn’t believe that any of this was possible, realistically. I will never forget the feeling of sitting in my room, staring up at this painting, feeling guilty about wanting to take it down because my maternal grandmother painted it and passed away right before I was born.

The day that I asked my mom if I could take it down, I saw it click with her what was happening. But she never tried to change me. She continually encouraged me to keep my eyes open, even if my view was different from hers. My dad has not practiced since he lived at home, hasn’t stepped foot into a church besides the occasional wedding or funeral since before he joined the Navy at 17. Since I am older and now more open with my views, we have had multiple discussions on the topic of religion. His take is, in a nutshell – “Whatever makes you a good person. Whatever gives you a moral compass and guides you through life doing right by yourself and others; let it guide you.” My mom is a bit more sensitive, we know how we feel but we don’t discuss it too often. We’ll joke around every now and then, being an extremely open and radically inappropriate family, but it gives her comfort to know that she will see her mom and family again one day so I don’t see a reason to make a constant attempt to deflate her hope.

I don’t look to a man in the sky for direction or let him limit me & what I am seeking. If I don’t accomplish a goal, I don’t say “Must not be what God wanted for me!” I evaluate what I could have done differently & learn from it. We are who we are by the choices we make, just as we are here today because of the choices made by others who came before us.

I don’t think that we go anywhere when we die. No pearly gates, no reunions with loved ones, no eternal bliss or youth, and no fiery hell as punishment for your behavior in this life. I believe in science and in the wonder that is the human body and all that surrounds us. Death is a part of the cycle of life, but when we do leave our physical bodies, we become apart of the Earth more permanently that any mark we could hope to make in our everyday lives. We become part of Earth’s body, it’s make-up, what lives in it, and what it produces.

The pessimist in me sees religion as a divider among the human race. But I know that it comes from the inability to differentiate in some individuals that religion is a personal way to walk through life. There are so many beliefs, cultures, and ways of living that thinking that your hypothesis is right simply because it’s yours and you believe it with all your heart and soul, is a true example of ignorance. When you completely ignore the idea that no one knows for sure, we’re all just flying blind, lead by our own consciences, you are missing out the experience of pure individuality. It not only keeps neighbors and community members apart but the different countries and regions of our world, on a grander scale.

I have been called a Socialist, a Communist, a Heathen, a Satanic worshiper based on others’ perceptions of my views. Labels are a way of categorizing, understanding, and belonging to the world around us so I understand it and don’t get offended, even if it is ill intended. I prefer the label “Humanist,” simply because I am a promoter and a believer in life.

Whatever gives you hope. Regardless of whether you believe that your God single-handedly gave you another day or if chalk it up to statistical probability that you just haven’t died yet; you are alive. You will never get yesterday back, there is only today and using what you’ve learned today to help you tomorrow, until you are out of tomorrows.

We have to stop using differences as an excuse to separate us and look at everything that makes us the same.